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Been a while.....

Yeah... so, I'm hoping this helps with how I'm feeling. This is mostly for me, but anyone who cares may read, but know this. Unless your comments are helpful, fuck right off.

Love. What is it? Is it something we search for? Is it a emotional sensation that represents our deeper most feelings? Or is it something we long for, striving to obtain at all costs? Is there that "one" out there that possesses this love we seek? Are there many, and if so, how many? There is a lot of talk about "plenty more fish in the sea" and crap, but really, why do we seek this allusive thing love?

I think I seek it as a feeling of comfort, a seance of belonging. To be truly loved by someone is to be accepted despite your flaws. I seek it because I am not happy alone, and I want companionship. life seems more bearable when you have someone to share it with. Now, I'm not talking about platonic love. Platonic love is something you have for a close friend, or relative. A bond not obtained lightly by any means, but it is a very different type of love.

You can love a brother. You can love a pet. Hell, some people can even love there job, but its not the same. Sometimes you need that presence, that true physical presence. And not just sex. Sex is often thought of as physical love. But sex is also lust, again not a bad thing. You can bone some random chick, or dude if your into that, and have it mean nothing. But can you hold someone close, and just enjoy there close proximity without it being sexual? I like to think that's more important.

If you can't truly relax around someone then whats the point? Everyone wears masks to get what they want, whether it be sex, a promotion, greater social standing or whatever. But in love, you can be yourself without having to wear that mask. You can drop the bravado, you can relax, you just need to be yourself. Even with platonic love, you are never able to just let go of that mask. Everyone needs to have that ability to let go. To simply be.

I am convinced that I am not allowed to have that. I have been denied at ever turn. I have been in a relationship for the past three years until recently. As recently as Tuesday Aug 19, 2009. When times were good, they were great. When they were bad, they were terrible. But not once did my feelings waver. I did what I thought was for the best in each situation, and sometimes I was wrong. I like to think that I was doing my best to keep the relationship alive, even sometimes if it was no necessarily the right way.

Sometimes I stepped on egg shells, attempting to keep everything ok. Sometimes I said what I thought she wanted to hear, even if it wasn't what I wanted. And some times I listened to people who gave me very, very bad advice. But I like to think I tried. But, platonic love rears its ugly head to snatch away everything I tried so hard to maintain. Now, I have lost the past three years to someone who I can't even hate to start the healing process.

Really, I can only ask myself why? Why must I loose something I tried so hard to hold on to? I didn't smother her as I beleive in an equal and fair partnership between couples, and I didn't ignore her, well, at lest I tried not too. Its really hard to spend time with someone who's only interests are reading books and going to clubs in Vancouver. Several times I was told that our lives just weren't exciting enough. I tried everything I could to fix that. Weekend trips to Vancouver and going to Sin City top the list, again, these arn't my thing. In fact, the first few times I went to Decent (goth theme for clubs) and Sin City, I hated it. Eventually I was able to tolerate them, but it wasn't for my sake.

I have been told my many people that I am like a teddy bear. And I have NEVER found that a complement. Teddy bears are the cute security blanket for people. They are used up and tossed to the side for something more "bad ass." I am the proverbial good guy. I'm not quick to anger, a attempt to help when possible, I do what I can to make people happy and feel comfortable. And of course in return, I get shit on. Why? Why can't I come out ahead eventually? And I don't want anyone telling me otherwise. It hasn't happened yet, and I very doubt it will any time soon. I had to go 8 hours east to meet someone. 11 by greyhound. There is no one in this shit hole even willing to give me the time of day. Wait, sorry, I'm wrong. they all want to be my friend. Well fuck that. I'm not looking for any more friends. I have the ones I want. And I'm not doing them any favers by knowing them! (Sorry Steve and Becky)

Seriously, I just don't get it and I'm quickly beginning to not care. I am obviously not allowed to be happy. And if the cosmos wants to point and laugh, they can switch over to another poor sap because I'm not doing it any more. I'm done. I declare my bachelor-ness. There is only one person who can console me. Only one person I want to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. But I can't have them. And after this torturer she put me threw, I hope she finds she truly dosn't love me. I don't want her to go threw this pain she has inflicted on me. Yay... you have finally made a important decision. Too bad you sundered our lives with it.

This is an angry rant, and I do feel kinda better. This is also probably the longest thing I have written in quite some time. I don't know if I'll add more later or not. After this, I may.
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And now a brief post...

Ok, lets have a bit of an up date here.

Its been fucking hot and it sucks.

I just got to level 66 with my tauren shaman the other day. Thats right, the vile wench known as World of Warcraft has me tight in her boosum yet again. I can't wait until I get to raid and do some heroics! Not any hardcore shit, but like maybe a raid every two weeks or something. And Mike and I are going to two man the arena (unless he finds others/has others in mind) the Arena! I hate pvp, but the area makes me want to try it. Its not just a random gank, or is it BG bull shit.

I've been working a lot of 10-12 hour shifts, but I've been getting 3-4 days off a week, and I'm really liking the trade off. Making about the same as I was before, but with more time off. Win.

Oh heard about that kid who got decapitated when he jumped the fence at the Batman ride at 6 flags? Yeah, I present him a Darwin award. Enjoy retard, may the rest of your family follow your lead.

In yet more WoW news, I have found the name for my Death Knight when Lich King hits. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
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Three awesome things, and 1 balls thing

Awesome things:

Boom Blocks

Beer

Having 4 days off

Balls things:

The heat.


That is all.
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May. 30th, 2008

Abbra found a deck box containing a deck of magic cards at Value Village, and she bought it for me for $3.99. I took a look and found this:

Wooded Foothills x4 = 70.00
Stomping ground x2 = 25.00
Life from the Loam x4 = 16.00
Bloodstained Mire x3 = 52.00
Seismic Assault x3 = 9.00
Terravore x4 = 36.00
Sacred Foundry = 20.00
Overgrown Tomb = 10.00
Tarmogoyf x4 = 200.00
Birds of Paradise = 6th 10.00, 8th 25.00, Rev 50.00
Extirpate x3 = 45.00
Burning Wish x4 = 34.00
Devastating Dreams x3 = 6.00
Gaddock Teeg x3 = 15.00
Solitary Confinement x2 = 6.00
Ravenous Baloth x2 = 8.00
Wall of Roots x3 = Mera 5.00, TS 3.00
Blood Crypt = 11.00
Total: $656.00

All the prices were taken from starcity games, the "go-to" website for magic prices. Fucking Awesome. And the deck works fucking beatifuly! Its a tech I would never have thought of. Other then the fucking Goyf's, It can deal 6 damage a turn by paying 1G and over turning 3 cards.
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Some Bull Shit, and other stuff

Lets start here...

First of all I now work Monday. a ten hour. Balls. But it is in the tower so, thats good. No longer get three days off. Just two :(.

Second, my feet have been in constant pain for the past 3 weeks. I think I brused them or something. Its also balls

Thats pretty much the only thing I have to bitch about.

Looking forward to starting the D20 anything game. I have plans. Big plans. Big awesome plan!
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4th Ed.

Ok, I haven't mentioned it on here yet.

4th Edition DnD sucks balls. Why You ask? Here's the list.

1. No More Saving Throws.
Yeah, remember if someone attempts to poison you, you have to roll a Fort save to see if you resist? Yeah, doesn’t happen anymore. Everyone now has Defenses. So, if you attempt to poison someone, you make a roll to see if you are GOOD ENOUGH to poison them. Better yet, here is an example.

DM: Oh... he stabs you with dagger.... *rolls*
You: Ok, how much damage?
DM: Wait. *Rolls again*
You: Ok...
DM: Ok, you take 5 points of damage, and you’re poisoned now.
You: What the shit? Don't I get a save?
DM: No, no. You lose.

2. Critical Hits? No longer so Critical.
Sweet! Rolled that natural 20 did ya? That’s awesome. X2? X3? The legendary x4? Nope. Max damage. Yes, I'm serious. You know the max you could normally get? Yeah... that’s your crit. I kind of like the idea of possibly getting 16+Str damage on a crit with a long sword. Not you know. 8+str.Thanks for the nerf WotC.

3. Skills, all 9 of them
They have downsized the skills in the game. True who likes doing skill points? Oh wait.. No, sorry, 8 skills. Unless they plan on letting everyone take "Thievery"

4. Gnomes
Yeah, there gone. No longer a player handbook race. Kinda sad to see them go... well, not really.

5. On-going damage
Ok, so you now have spells and effects that continue over several turns. Wow... how confusing if everyone has some bull shit on-going damage eh? Who's going to keep track of all that? Oh, yeah, the DM.

6. The DM does EVERYTHING
Yeah, if you’re a PC, I hope you don't like rolling. You get an attack roll, but that's fucking it. The DM is doing way too much. I am a DM and I hate this. I want the PCs to do shit. Fuck, too much control is just as bad as not enough.

7. Bloodied?
You know what ever game needs? When you are at half health, your opponents can get shit that can kill you faster! Whoever the genius who thought of this shit needs to play the game. When you are at half health, you are considered "bloodied" which activates some abilities that can be used against you, that are a lot more powerful then their attacks that have put you to half. Mind you it does work both ways. Too bad you won't come across too many enemies at half life. Yeah.

8. Movement.
Yeah, How many feet can you move? Oh, 4th doesn’t use feet... what does it use? Squares. Yes. You can move 6 squares. Hmm... you know what that means?

9. You need fucking maps to play
I remember playing DnD with a bunch of us sitting around a room. I haven't played a game around a table until recently. Which brings me to the next problem

10. A Table Top RPG is not a Minis game!
What the shit guys?! I know you have the minis thing going for you. And I have no doubt its going well. But I don't want to play a god damn minis game when I play dnd. The character sheets are now small enough to fit on a card for there minis game. They are trying to make it necessary get both things to play one. It’s retarded.

Am I wrong? Maybe. But I seriously doubt it. And yes, I do plan on play 3.5, and it makes me sad most of my friends are sheep, and will play 4th because it's new.

DM: Whats your Fort Defense?
Sheep: Baa!
DM: Your poisoned.
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As you can probably tell, I saw The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. I'll get to that in a moment, lets start off with the good that happened today.

I spent a lot of time making a DnD character today and I very much want to play him... Alas, I am the only the games :(. Someone reading this run a D20 game damn it! Anyways, I enjoyed that, and had some time with just Abbra and me. It was great! We had Chinese food, beer, and we went out on a date. We went to see a movie.

Ok, I wasn't a huge fan of the first Narnia movie. I thought it was an advertisement for christianity. But the second one brings even more pain and Jesus to the screen. Don't get me wrong, some of the Tech in battle was better then the first, and there is a singles battle which is awesome. But the whole Aslan/lion/Jesus bull shit puts a bad taste in my mouth. With inspiring lines like
"Why can't he just prove that he's here?"
"Maybe... we have to prove ourselves... to him."

Eat a dick. Eat a huge fat cock! If anything this blatant about the Muslim faith were to hit the theaters, Left wing nut jobs would be up in arms declaring it bullshit or evil. The fact Disney is making christian recruitment video makes me incredibly sad.
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Iron Man

After saying I had no interest in the movie, it took Cardno to give me a free movie pass. What did I think of Iron Man? I did enjoy it. It was better then I thought it would be, with great paceing. I did find that the final battle was kinda lacking. With that said, I think its the best Marvel comic movie they released since Spiderman, another movie I was dragged to and ended up enjoying.
All and all, I'd give it an 8/10.

Oh, and by the way. I had little interest in the '09 Avengers movie. The key word is 'had.' Why this sudden change you ask? Watch Iron Man, and wait till the end of the credits.

I want my god damn Justice League movie!
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Ok... fine... I was wrong.... fuck....

I once said I would never own an apple product... I have just broken that vow. I picked up Video nano from a buddy of mine from the game store. It cost me $40.00 and 3 magic cards (valued at $23.00,) none the less, a good deal. After fucking around with it, a huge thanks to Trev for helping out, I got the thing working. But, working was only half the equation. I needed video. And I needed it hard. After finding out the hard way that .avi won't work on the Ipod. So I did some investigation... well, I asked Terosan and he hooked me up with the info I needed. MP4 format was now my new friend. After three separate conversion programs, I finally found one that doesn’t put a huge "TEST VERSION" in the middle of the screen, or only convert 60% of the file. But for some reason, it keeps naming my videos on it the same name. It’s a pain in the ass when all 6 eps of Metalocolypse is called 08 - Snakes and Barrels. Good episode though.

So, my opinion:

The Ipod should be named the 10th wonder of the world (after Aundry the Giant, and Chyna respectively.) It is one of my new favorite toys, and the fact I can watch a movie at work makes slacking really easy at work :D

Now, wipe that grin off your face Maine. I'm not going to be buying any god damn Mac Books anytime soon... unless someone wants to sell it for $40.00 and three magic cards (valued at $23.00.)
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New Years 2007

Location: The House of Greatness

Time: when the fuck ever

Activities: Games and shit

Food?: Yeah, should be some chicken wings. Bought a two pound bad today. I'm testing out my new kitchen shit.

Who: If your reading this, chances are you. Give me a call if intrested.

That is all.
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