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Been a while.....

Yeah... so, I'm hoping this helps with how I'm feeling. This is mostly for me, but anyone who cares may read, but know this. Unless your comments are helpful, fuck right off.

Love. What is it? Is it something we search for? Is it a emotional sensation that represents our deeper most feelings? Or is it something we long for, striving to obtain at all costs? Is there that "one" out there that possesses this love we seek? Are there many, and if so, how many? There is a lot of talk about "plenty more fish in the sea" and crap, but really, why do we seek this allusive thing love?

I think I seek it as a feeling of comfort, a seance of belonging. To be truly loved by someone is to be accepted despite your flaws. I seek it because I am not happy alone, and I want companionship. life seems more bearable when you have someone to share it with. Now, I'm not talking about platonic love. Platonic love is something you have for a close friend, or relative. A bond not obtained lightly by any means, but it is a very different type of love.

You can love a brother. You can love a pet. Hell, some people can even love there job, but its not the same. Sometimes you need that presence, that true physical presence. And not just sex. Sex is often thought of as physical love. But sex is also lust, again not a bad thing. You can bone some random chick, or dude if your into that, and have it mean nothing. But can you hold someone close, and just enjoy there close proximity without it being sexual? I like to think that's more important.

If you can't truly relax around someone then whats the point? Everyone wears masks to get what they want, whether it be sex, a promotion, greater social standing or whatever. But in love, you can be yourself without having to wear that mask. You can drop the bravado, you can relax, you just need to be yourself. Even with platonic love, you are never able to just let go of that mask. Everyone needs to have that ability to let go. To simply be.

I am convinced that I am not allowed to have that. I have been denied at ever turn. I have been in a relationship for the past three years until recently. As recently as Tuesday Aug 19, 2009. When times were good, they were great. When they were bad, they were terrible. But not once did my feelings waver. I did what I thought was for the best in each situation, and sometimes I was wrong. I like to think that I was doing my best to keep the relationship alive, even sometimes if it was no necessarily the right way.

Sometimes I stepped on egg shells, attempting to keep everything ok. Sometimes I said what I thought she wanted to hear, even if it wasn't what I wanted. And some times I listened to people who gave me very, very bad advice. But I like to think I tried. But, platonic love rears its ugly head to snatch away everything I tried so hard to maintain. Now, I have lost the past three years to someone who I can't even hate to start the healing process.

Really, I can only ask myself why? Why must I loose something I tried so hard to hold on to? I didn't smother her as I beleive in an equal and fair partnership between couples, and I didn't ignore her, well, at lest I tried not too. Its really hard to spend time with someone who's only interests are reading books and going to clubs in Vancouver. Several times I was told that our lives just weren't exciting enough. I tried everything I could to fix that. Weekend trips to Vancouver and going to Sin City top the list, again, these arn't my thing. In fact, the first few times I went to Decent (goth theme for clubs) and Sin City, I hated it. Eventually I was able to tolerate them, but it wasn't for my sake.

I have been told my many people that I am like a teddy bear. And I have NEVER found that a complement. Teddy bears are the cute security blanket for people. They are used up and tossed to the side for something more "bad ass." I am the proverbial good guy. I'm not quick to anger, a attempt to help when possible, I do what I can to make people happy and feel comfortable. And of course in return, I get shit on. Why? Why can't I come out ahead eventually? And I don't want anyone telling me otherwise. It hasn't happened yet, and I very doubt it will any time soon. I had to go 8 hours east to meet someone. 11 by greyhound. There is no one in this shit hole even willing to give me the time of day. Wait, sorry, I'm wrong. they all want to be my friend. Well fuck that. I'm not looking for any more friends. I have the ones I want. And I'm not doing them any favers by knowing them! (Sorry Steve and Becky)

Seriously, I just don't get it and I'm quickly beginning to not care. I am obviously not allowed to be happy. And if the cosmos wants to point and laugh, they can switch over to another poor sap because I'm not doing it any more. I'm done. I declare my bachelor-ness. There is only one person who can console me. Only one person I want to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. But I can't have them. And after this torturer she put me threw, I hope she finds she truly dosn't love me. I don't want her to go threw this pain she has inflicted on me. Yay... you have finally made a important decision. Too bad you sundered our lives with it.

This is an angry rant, and I do feel kinda better. This is also probably the longest thing I have written in quite some time. I don't know if I'll add more later or not. After this, I may.
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Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
arion_knight
Aug. 22nd, 2009 10:21 am (UTC)
Song: Sometimes it Hurts - Stabbing Westward

You should be online more often, we could talk more.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 22nd, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC)
I think your right. Thanks for the artist for the song.
ex_daemon
Aug. 25th, 2009 12:48 am (UTC)
I deleted my previous comment because it was irrelevant.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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Bryan J. Greatness

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